Let’s say you know two awesome people who are getting married. These people are cross-cultural, from different worlds, oceans apart. The three centers of their lives are Shanghai, Minneapolis, and Kuala Lumpur, and their loved ones are in many other corners of the world. Since it’s unlikely that everyone who matters most to them can gather in one place, they’re going to forgo a traditional wedding, and marry in a private civil ceremony in Las Vegas, just the two of them. At some point, they will have small wedding dinners in each of the three centers of their lives, for whoever can make it.
Although these two people currently live in Shanghai, they are geographically liminal. They have no permanent home right now, not even a semi-permanent one. They are likely moving to the U.S. by the end of the year, though when exactly and to which city, they are not quite sure. What they do know is that they want to make the journey together, and that they need to reduce the amount of stuff they take with them. Shipping fees are ridiculous, y’know.
So what do you give these two people as a wedding present, if you wish to gift them something to congratulate them on their union?
Being Chinese, I thought the answer was pretty simple: Cash. That’s what we gift at Chinese weddings; in fact, it’s the expected gift, a red packet of lucky money to help the newlyweds cover the expenses they incurred to begin a new life together.
But I’m marrying an American, so I’m being exposed to a different wedding gift culture — that of wedding registries for stuff.
If we had a permanent home, material presents would be wonderful. But we’re peripatetic, which turns the simple privilege of gift-receiving into a head-scratcher:
Fiance: My family wants to know whether we have a wedding registry.
Me: A what? Just give us cash.
Fiance: They’re not Chinese. Giving cash is unacceptable.
Me: Tell them you’re following your bride’s weird customs.
Fiance: Cannot.
Me: But we don’t have space for stuff! We’re not settled yet!
Fiance: I know.
Me: How about gift certificates?
Fiance: Yeah. Although that’s like asking for cash too.
Me: What’s wrong with cash, actually? Material presents are bought with cash!
Fiance: Cash is impersonal.
Me: Not to the Chinese!
(Definitely not impersonal — we record who gave how much.)
Although it may be gauche to some people, gift certificates seem like the best compromise for a cross-cultural, peripatetic wedding registry. Thoughts?
Update: Just for fun, I asked a few friends who are getting married what they prefer in terms of gifts. Asian friends all wanted hard cash, Western friends said to refer to their carefully-selected wedding registries, which may or may not include subtle requests for non-material gifts.
Now I’m impressed that East-West couples successfully get married at all, considering these clashes between wedding customs, including the issue of wedding expenses that I blogged about before!
Countdown to wedding: 19 days!
There are ways to register for cash gifts in the US. I would hope the fiance’s family would practical enough (being Minnesotans!) to understand how difficult accepting traditional American gifts would be on your, um, jet set lifestyle. There are cash-registries in the US that make the request for cash a little more tactful. Like Deposit a Gift .
Not all Americans are bashful about asking for money at their weddings. In the area where I grew up, a very un-Minnesota place, we had this wedding tradition called the Dollar Dance. The best man would have a bottle of whiskey and the maid of honor would have a bottle of peach schnapps (usual choices). For a dollar (but a lot of people give more) you would get a free shot of alcohol and a turn dancing for a minute with the bride or groom. The last wedding i attended that had this, I just gave like $20 and took the shot. I didn’t want to wait in line to dance.
Thanks for pointing out Deposit a Gift!
I wonder if I could convince the fiance to do the Dollar Dance.
I’m European and my husband is Chinese Shanghainese so when we got married we had to face the same problem. We found an agreement that everyone liked:)
We contacted a travel agency and organized the honeymoon together; all the guests could decide how many shares (of $20 each) to buy as a gift for the newlyweds and/or add some other activities listed and previously selected by us such as surfing or parachuting. It’s been so much fun deciding where to go, which hotel we wanted to stay in and which activities we wanted to take. At the end we had an amazing honeymoon in Australia without spending a huge amount of money!
How does is sound? Hope it helps:)
I wish we could make a honeymoon registry too! I’ve always dreamed more of the honeymoon than the wedding ceremony. Sadly, we are postponing the honeymoon, or else that would be a great solution. Thanks for sharing!
If the groom’s relatives are adamant about giving gifts, would they be willing to give them later on, if/when you move to the U.S.? That way, they could stick to the tradition of giving blenders, toasters, etc, and you might be able to forego some of the post-relocation stress shopping?
It’s also increasingly popular for the bride/groom to request donations to good causes, if they have no need for gifts.
Weddings are still highly political events. I know my parent-in-laws and parents would be inflexible too, just out of eagerness to show their approval. I would be prone to just biting the bullet and accepting whatever they gift, whether or not I care for it, just to make them happy. The rest of the family, however, is an entirely different issue!
Wondered about that, but asking for gifts later might be awkward. We will just appreciate whatever anyone decides to gift us now, and make room for it!
Our situation is a little different, as we have no plans to return to Canada to live, nor do we even know when we might get to visit there to see everyone (ah, visa fun with a Chinese national!).
My family and friends were all quite understanding about this and most actually asked my mom what they could/should get for us as a gift, and she found a nice way to say that cash would be the best gift, as we could transfer it overseas and utilize it here. My parents brought a large stack of cards with them and I was touched by how many people did make the effort to wish us well and gift us with a little money inside. I never got the impression from my parents that anyone was too put out that they couldn’t pack up a blender and mail it to us (which wouldn’t work for long anyway, because of the different plugs and voltage!).
In lieu of a bridal shower (still very common in my hometown), some ladies also set up a list at a local store and called it a “Wishing Well” shower list, and people could sign their names and leave money there and then the list and envelope of cash were brought to us as well. Again, no one seemed to be all that upset by it – it had been done for other people who had moved very far from my hometown who were getting married.
It all depends on the groups of people, I guess, but your fiance may be surprised at how understanding people are about this issue.
Thanks for sharing your experience! I think we’re confusing our friends and relatives by going back and forth between countries with no permanent place yet. If we had decided to settle in China or Malaysia, I think no one would be put off by the idea of gifting cash.
I hope your husband gets to visit your hometown someday soon!
I like the cash idea. Okay, I like it partly because it saves me from getting stuff I really don’t want, and it allows me to give someone something I know they want. I gave a close friend $40 for his 40th birthday. (The symmetry seemed nice, and it fit conveniently into a bottle that had previously contained embarrassing drugs for men. Sometimes I’m glad I moonlight in a pharmacy.)
And red is such a lovely color.
Are you wearing a red dress? Here’s to hoping. I’m so blinking tired of white wedding dresses. Give the thing some color and some good luck.
Anyway, make the Minnesotans bend on the wedding schwag. China has this one nailed down. Hey, I’ve got it! Put it like this: “When your company gives its annual holiday gift, would you like cash, or a membership in the Jelly of the Month Club? Cash? Yeah, me too.” (This a reference to an 80s-ish movie called Christmas Vacation for those unfamiliar with their classic cinema.)
Yeah. Put it like that. Won’t offend anyone that way.
I’d like a blue dress. Agree about blahness of white dresses. Bought a simple beige/blue “registration dress,” planning on wearing something I already own for the first dinner in the States, haven’t decided on dresses for Asian dinners.
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The purpose of a gift is to make the gift-giver feel good, so just accept the random stuff and re-gift it to someone else later. Or leave it in your apartment when you move.
By the way, does your BF know that your family will expect him to get you pregnant ASAP?
You have the wrong Asian family. Mine nagged me for marrying “so early in life,” and have asked that we wait to have children. My BF is certainly aware of this.
we were lucky to have been able to get away with cash at both our wedding celebrations. not sure how the husband did it with his friends and family, I was surprised how everyone gifted us cash in france ! I’m pretty sure he did explain to them the peripatetic aspect of our lives at some point.