Children hating their parents isn’t uncommon. Hating your parents because they’re too strict, too stodgy, too stifling — been there, felt that, like every other rebellious teen has.
How about hating your parents for their races?
That’s a whole different level of resentment, and seems to be the driving force behind the blog Stuff Eurasian Males Like. The blogger left an interesting comment on my Ending Bias post, claiming there’s nothing worse than being the Asian-looking male child of a white male/Asian female pairing. He can’t be serious, I thought, so I followed the link to his blog… and realized how much he does loathe himself and the source of his existence — his white dad and Asian mom. He loathes couplings like theirs which produce male Eurasian children.
His arguments are fascinating, and if you’re really curious, please visit his blog. At first I was ready to thrash his views, but you know what? I won’t diss him because I don’t understand (although perhaps he needs help — someone to really talk to — more than empathy…?). A lot of his problems seem to stem from being an Asian male in America, and I don’t understand what it’s like as an Asian male in America, which seems to be a hot issue recently, perhaps because of that Wesley Yang article in New York Magazine. All I will give you are some quotes from his blog posts which really hit me:
The hapa male son of a WM/AF is the lowest being existence, the lowliest worm in the universe. They are a whole new level of suck. What are they made of? Genetic trash. A white male who has failed to be a white male and thus acquire a white female. And an Asian woman who thinks Asians are a disgusting race, and is glad to marry out of it, not realizing she carries it in her ovaries. Cursed with a white male sucky Y chromosome, but doomed to inhabit the world as an Asian man. Just abort your hapa sons.
Was my mom clinically insane to marry a white man or was she just incredibly callous and selfish? Perhaps she planned on having cute Eurasian daughters who could easily mate with white dudes. Well she badly miscalculated. Instead shes stuck with Asian-looking sons. And yet she dissed all Asian males by her actions. She emasculated me at my birth.
I used to blame the white guys for having yellow fever and stuff. But according to science, its the asian females who deserve the blame, since males of all races try to mate with all races. Its the females who in every single race but east asian, chose their own over others. I have nothing against interracial marriages in the abstract. I just think that in the specific circumstances of American culture, asian females who mate with whites, hurt all asian men. Now maybe its ok for them to put individual interest over race. But the thing is their Eurasian male sons, like me, have to suffer the consequences. So its not some abstract racial myth, but their own offspring. Maybe their right and eurasian couples should just abort the males like me. How dare my mom or dad ever lecture me on anything, when they have no idea what its like to be an Asian male in America. They don’t have my experience so what right to they have to advise? I feel like an African born to a white slave owner or a Jew born to a Roman conquerer. My very birth marks my own defeat.
I do feel more than a little unnerved though. I am an Asian female involved with a white male, and some day, I’d like to have children. All my hapa friends, both male and female including those with white dads and Asian moms, seem happy and well-adjusted and appear to have embraced their biracial, bicultural identities. But what if they’re lying, and deep down they hate themselves and their parents too?!
Though being afraid that your children will hate you for your life choices is probably not the best reason not to have children. My children will probably find something or other to hate me for eventually, whether they are biracial or not, true?
P.S. I do wonder whether this Stuff Eurasian Males Like blog is meant to be a satire. Tell me if it is.
His beliefs are depressing and gross, but here’s what really got me: he uses the word “mate” to describe his mother and father falling in love and deciding to have a child together. His perspective is so clinical, so focused on arbitrary human groupings (“white”, “Asian”) and not on human people. His parents’ “decision” to have a mixed race child (as if they even thought of it that way!) was not about race, appearance, biology or genetics – it was about love!
Did the Asian mother cared or thought about her potential children when she married? Unlikely. Did the WM/AF parents handled their resulting son’s unhappiness well? Probably not.
What to do about it now? Don’t know.
But at least the son is dealing with his issues his way. Best wishes to him.
Amazing story. I wish we could learn more about this guy. I always believed that it would be easier in the west for mixed kids to integrate because they would not be considered as special as in China. We’ll see when my kid goes back to Europe…. I am also wondering if it’s a satire since the later post about hybrids sounds too extreme. Not many racist people would sincerely go that far.
Anyway, my guess is that adolescence is not over yet since he’s not taking responsibility for any of his supposed failures. Blaming genes for stock market failure is ridiculous !
I would say this kid has got other issues going on contributing to resentment. Don’t analyse too deeply, he’ll get over it. I used to hate the world because I was priced out of the property market, but now I own a house…
“And yet she dissed all Asian males by her actions. She emasculated me at my birth.”
This seems a key quote. It’s probably society rather than his parents that see Asian men as emasculated, but he doesn’t have a strong Asian father, or indeed any kind of Asian father, to show how one can be both Asian and man, and his mother shows him an Asian woman attracted to a not-Asian man.
We need more Asian men on tv, in the movies, everywhere, so Asian(-looking) men can see how great Asian men can be, and women who like to look at Asian men can have more eye-candy
@Lu , I agree, he probably needs better reference to increase self-esteem.
Also, I’ve seen immigrants in Europe sometime being more tough against each others than local people because they were concerned that there community would suffer from bad image of one’s behavior.
What strikes me about this guy in spite of his very American education ( as he wrote), he’s falling into the same trap and even deeper.
Christine, I agree with Mervo, I think this hapa son has other issues that have made him what he is. To blame everything on his genes is just way too simplistic and ridiculous.
I worry a little bit about the same thing. I am white, and my significant other is half Japanese, so I wonder if any children I might have with him would hate me for this. I mean, when I was a little girl, I wanted to “decide” if I were more Irish or German, but that passed quickly and certainly never escalated to hatred for my parents! I think what Paul said is especially important — we have no idea how his parents dealt with this, if at all. I think that if he is being serious, he needs to talk with somebody, either his parents, a therapist, or a trusted (non-racist) friend.
That said, there’s always the possibility that he’s just incredibly racist, and not even a hapa male at all! I mentioned the blog to a friend and she dismissed it immediately, saying that he sounds like a disgruntled Nazi for the amount of stress he places on race and racial purity, and hatred of Asians. A hapa friend scoffed and said that he probably wasn’t Asian for the amount of complaining about it he was doing! I believe that it’s possible — he could be a spoiled rich white kid at heart (you know, the kind who has daddy buy them everything they ask for and they grow up to be total brats who put blame on literally everyone else) with an Asian looking exterior who was genuinely going through a tough time, you never know…
I wanted to challenge this angry blogger with that, and ask him to post pictures with a message in sharpie of the date held up in the photo, but I thought that might be too mean.
An hour or two after I wrote this post, when I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I did a quick Google search for “white dad Asian mom” and realized that the writer of that blog has actually been posting the same questions and snippets of his blog posts on everything from Yahoo! Answers to the Experience Project. I think he’s genuinely troubled and is really trying to reach out to anyone to discuss his feelings. I don’t know… I hope he’s read a few of my blog posts and knows that most women don’t go into interracial relationships looking to emasculate anybody.
I am not quite sure why anyone find this interesting at all. The best I can see is that it is intriguing in the way that the conclusions of a lunatic may be entertaining given their imagined premises.
Christine, given your typically well reasoned views and insight I would have expected a quick deconstruction and dismissal of the article. When discussing human behavior let us move away from armchair rhetoric and into the scientific realm. Is any data provided to support any of the claims presented? No. Is a moral framework presented to explain why a couple should avoid reproducing because it may cause social maladjustment of the child? No. The claims are so broad and sweeping, yet it seems that only the individual’s personal experience is cited (hasty generalization anyone?).
Why might asian women want to pair up with white males? One reason may be that western values favor more humane treatment of women. Consider this chart published in the New York Times which shows the number of hours of unpaid work that women do more than men (by country).
http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/03/10/women-lead-in-unpaid-work/
Wow, there are a bunch of white guys living in that bottom half. Take a moment to find China, Korea, and Japan.
Even if we want to grant the idea that bi-racial people suffer socially, well, so do poor people, stupid people, ugly people, and so on. Shall we encourage all of these groups to stop reproducing as well? Anyone care to present a cogent argument that one group of people should be able to repress another?
It may be that the author has been stifled from birth and he is grasping at an explanation. But he has done no better than our superstitious ancestors did to explain the workings of the natural world. None of his ideas is compelling, and nothing is conclusive or even remotely suggestive. Ah, but fear is a powerful tool. His site is simply a platform for bigotry and zany solipsism (best seen in the line
“How dare my mom or dad ever lecture me on anything, when they have no idea what its like to be an Asian male in America. They don’t have my experience so what right to they have to advise?”
Right. Refuse advice from anyone who is not a replica of yourself. Smart.
I agree he is disgusting, but for a different reason than he does
Also, white guys don’t have Asian moms. A significant part of the reason my blond-haired, blue-eyed cousin broke up with her Taiwanese boyfriend was his mother; most white women don’t want to sign up to be Asian daughters-in-law.
One thing I didn’t understand: Does he think being a mixed-race guy in the US is worse than being a “pure” Chinese guy in the US? If so, how and why? Seems to me that if he was the kid of two Chinese parents which emigrated to the US, his argument wouldn’t change one bit (he even calls himself an “Asian male” in one of the quotes).
Its because his father is of a different race and can’t identify with his struggles. Seems everyone on this board is more concerned with protecting their abstract social values and not looking at the real psychological impact of bi-racial marriages. They want to blame a person who is hurt, for being hurt. They want to look at any possible flaw within him, that will allow them to not question their own ‘multiculturalism’. Let’s be clear: for white america, multiculturalism is ‘just fine’ so long as white america is the one doing the charity. Catch my drift?
I am also the product of a bi-racial – half mexican and half anglo – relationship. Its traumatic to not resemble your father. Its traumatic when even he is ‘open minded’ or ‘liberal’ his ‘compassion’ is still condescension. I definitely grew up feeling like a ‘beaner’, and can relate with this eurasian male.
I’m the son of a Chinese father and American mother. Life is good, and I have no idea what this boy is complaining about. Very few downsides and a lot of upside, IMO. One of the few gripes I would have is having to check the “other” box in forms.
I didn’t read his blog so don’t know the particulars, but it might make a difference where he lives. In Seattle where I live and grew up, there are a high percentage of mixed-race couples and it’s really not a big deal.
this kind of shocked me, I had never thought about kids resenting there parents because they entered an interracial couple, and had mixed children. Surely this guy must have cousins and friends or uncles who can relate to them
@Sarah, nice pick, understanding the extended family might help. Did anybody find information about how he relates to his mother’s family?
Do they also resend his mother or him ?
He says that he grew up with his father’s family, as his mother immigrated to the US from an unspecified Asian country. No contact with Asian relatives, especially no Asian men…
I had a quick read-through of this hapa blog, and I find it a little bizarre that he curses on his heritage. Being an Asian lady dating a European man, my boyfriend and I quite often get into conversations on topics like these, including how weird(but pretty) our kids might look. Apparently (according to him), in Europe it’s very popular to be of mixed heritage, and having the Pan-Asian look is one of the chart toppers factor. Guess this fella just happens to be born in the wrong continent, or he just has a really low self-esteem. On another note, I’m curious to know how he looks like that makes him hate himself so much now…
In respons eto Jananovak – and you wonder then why he uses the word ‘mate’. We are human beings, not pedigree dogs.
Hm… if my hazy memory serves, aren’t Keanu Reeves and Dean Cain “hapa’s”? No offense Christine – this guy sounds like he needs some help. Flip Side – better for him to vent online – and not taking it out on a random group of people a College/University/Mall.
Matthew – again, you’re looking at it from the outside. Its not about the ‘appearance’ of success to ‘other people’, just like its not, in response to another poster, about how attractive the ‘babies will be’. The eurasian male may be popular, well liked, financially successful, and so on. He’s talking about how he FEELS and how difficult it is to be bi-racial. Is everyone so blind?
Are you guys just playing dumb? If we remove all the lovely dovey stuff that everyone wants to believe is a part of all WM/AF relationships then you can get to the bottom of this. The major misconception of this particular union is that the particpants are color blind and/or not racist. We know this is BS because the belief (and in my opinion holds true much of the time) is that the WM has yellow fever, but what is more likey and more common is that the AF has white fever combined with internalized racism. Yes AF’s (and AM’s for that matter), who prefer white, it is not simply an aesthetic preference, there are number of overt and covert but undeniably racist influences that have brought you to your “preference”. Anyway, an asian female who has always believed white was better (ie better looking, richer, better genes etc) and suddenly has a hapa child that looks asian will naturally perpetuate her racial biases on her asian child. I know many, many hapas guys here in Canada and though they aren’t necessarily pissed off at their parents, none of them are at all close to their moms and all of them have categorically stated that they’d never go out or marry an asian girl.
Exactly.
Reading this post, and a few of his blog posts, it’s pretty clear that his parents were “one of those”. There are the WM/AF couples who have healthy, egalitarian and respectful relationships, where neither race/culture dominates; The WM is about the same age, attractiveness, and income and education bracket as the AF, and has lots of Asian male friends.
Their kids: turn out fine.
“Those” are the old, wealthy, ugly WMs paired with young, poor, attractive AFs. He won’t have any Asian male friends (maybe staff, but not friends) that he respects and views as an equals. WMs like this condesend to Asian men, and view Asian women as trophies to be conquered. Only an AF who is really un self-aware and/or self-loathing would date or marry such a man.
So, in such a family, the white culture will naturally dominate, and the parents’ assumption will be that white=male=strong=wealth, Asian=feminine=weak=submissive. No wonder an Asian-looking hapa guy coming from that environment would be seriously effed up. What he needs to do is surround himself with a support network of confident Asian and Hapa guys, realize his parents are skeevy, and get over it.
…and realize that not all interracial relationships are created equal. Some are very, very unequal.
@Slim Jim Makes sens.
I believe it’s related to the phenomena I described in my second post about racism among immigrants. But I quite disagree when you generalize to most cases.
Actually, it depends of the mother’s state of mind :
– If she considers that the transition to her new community or new status is a promotion then she will probably look down upon her origin.
– Otherwise, less likely to happen, since the parents probably promote respectful values at home at least.
Also I believe that racism in the west, if not less prominent, is at least more officially rejected. This is one more reason for the kid to reject his mother at the slightest opinion that is supposedly racist.
A highly visible WM/AF couple in the news is Rupert Murdoch/Wendy Deng. Watching her behavior during the UK Parliamentary hearings illustrates her fierce support for him. She has said in many an interview that she grew up poor in Suzhou, wanted to make her parents happy, wanted to get rich and get rich fast. She married a WM while at Yale Univ, but divorced him after graduating. Within 2 yrs of meeting Rupert, who was married to his Australian wife at the time, Wendy succeeded in breaking that marriage and marrying Murdoch. She has fathered via invitro fertilization two happa girls. At the time Wendy was in the marriage market the odds of finding a rich AM in China equal to the net worth of someone like Murdoch were nearly zero. From a purely practical point of view, she followed the most opportunistic course. Her happa girls are likely to follow in Mom’s footsteps: Marry a rich WM. How curious it would be if Wendy had fathered happa sons and she chose to favor them in traditional Chinese manner over daughters. But we’ll never know unless she decides to add to her existing offspring.
I am a Hapa of WM/AF, be more specific, half Chinese from my Mom’s side and half Scottish from my Dad’s side. Canadian-born and raised in HK, educated in UK, US and now returned to my beloved Canada and thus I know where I belonged to, and my appearance, though chubby but kawaii, I have best of both Eastern and Western worlds, and I have another level of identity crisis: I am also a deaf person. Therefore, with that fella who dislike his Asian Mom for having fell in love with his White Dad (Believably an American), I think it is an insult to his own existence. No bloody big deal of his Asian look, and I reckon if he goes to an Asian community, he’d be consider a “gwailo,” “laowai,” “farang,” or even “gaijin,” etc
Having been in HK and UK and later in US, I did experienced racism throughout my childhood, and even worse was when I went to Gallaudet University, where it is the only deaf university in the world, I was an outcast in the so-called “Deaf World” because I was not raised in a deaf environment, but I also face much difficulty in mainstream society because of much hearing difficulty would block my involvement as a fellow citizen. It took me years to overcome these difficulties, and I did have much problem with dating too.
Due to my cultural upbringing as both an European and an Asian, I did found much difficulty with my ex-girlrfriends, most of them were ethnic Chinese, and one of them was an Iranian, I did feel something missing when I were being with them, even with Western women for brief dating experience, I would found much ignorance by them. So, I decide to wait and sought for a compatible woman who could accept my deafness as well as my biracial background.
I found one online last year through a dating website, and we have been closer than ever. Like, Shanghai Shiok the blogger, my GF-soon-to-be-my-fiancee is in Shanghai and she is a native Shanghainese. Being a Canadian who can speak Cantonese and Mandarin as well as English, we found much common ground through communication, and our passion is rooted in Shanghai.
Hence, I reckon there must be thousands of reasons why that Hapa’s Asian Mom “mated” his White Dad, and I believe it is fate that led to their existence, and it would be best to accept the magic of romance.
Moreover, inasmuch with certain Asian women would prefer white dudes, there are many black men like white women, Latinas like gringos, etc… We cannot generalized that certain Asian women being selection and preferably Caucasians, it is all depend on fate, love and compatibility.
P.S. I think that Hapa’s blog seems to be a satire
After the Wesley Yang article came out, one of the first women who called our ABCs of Attraction offices when they read the story was a Japanese mother. She had married her college sweetheart, the veritable big man on campus, and who was Caucasian. She had 3 sons, two of them who looked white and had no confidence and social issues. They were following their father’s footsteps
But her third and youngest son of 14 looked the most Asian and was the shyest, least confident and least outgoing of her sons. She had tried to send him to various summer camps and sign him up for sports and other things when she called me up. But he continued to play video games, play Pokemon, and generally not associate with other people beyond the internet.
Obviously, I couldn’t do anything other than suggestions over the phone since we don’t offer classes for boys so young (at least not yet), but it was obvious that the mother was cognizant of the fact that her most Asian looking son was struggling with his identity and was supportive of his growth from boyhood to manhood.
I feel for the man in your story, but it’s kind of rough blaming it on the woman. We all need to take responsibility for our own growth and journey.
I’m a lot less compassionate than many of the commenters here but I have no sympathy for this kid. He’s just a young emo who hates on his parents. There are lots of kids like that. Even if he were totally white or totally Asian he would find something to mope about. The only difference is that he made a blog to vent on. I thought all of his posts were completely juvenile. But that’s just me.
His parents seem fine. They seem self-absorbed in their own relationship, which is a plus. I know many WM/AF relationships that I approve and I’m Asian (i.e. WM is mature and committed). It seems like he needs a male role model. I haven’t seen his dad, but it sounds like his dad wouldn’t be someone I like (i.e. irresponsible). It’s funny when I think about who I like and don’t like. It seems as in the prior case, I was usually friends with the WM and was glad he got an AF lover. While in the latter case, I usually have a not-so-great relationship with the AF (not even friendly) and the feeling gets transferred.
If a black child who has black parents hates himself and parents because he wishes he were white and free of the racism that blacks endure, should society sympathize because his parents did not choose their race carefully? There are many kids who hate their parents and their race, and they are not biracial. He apparently needs a lesson in self-appreciation.
The only way this kid could exist is through these parents that he has. If God creates individuals, then it was God who made him, not his parents. God knew him before his parents were born. What he is going through is a normal, mostly childhood problem. Most children hate themselves and parents at some point. It is a common growing pain of youth. I believe that his problem is unrelated to his parentage, and he, along with his parents, could very well benefit from counseling.
I am hapa and I can identify with this kid, even though you all seem to be hating on him.
It’s shocking to read out in the open and seeing his thoughts verbalised, but I can really relate to him.
We all know that on a general level, Asians worship the “white” side of hapa kids and are ashamed of the “Asian” side. I only get praised for my apparently “white” traits by other Asians but when they point out what they perceive as my “Asian” traits, they point them out with disappointment. Anyone hapa/Asian who has lived in Western countries and Asia should be able to relate to this.
I come from a Spanish and Chinese Mother and a white father. I too can relate unfortunateley because I feel sometimes my father was just a chauvinistic looser and my mom wants so badly to be white. I am good looking and I feel like my mom resents me for looking whiter than her. Sometimes I wish I had a kind loving white mother and my dad would have been a cool Asian guy that married a white girl. Both my brother and sister (especially brother) feel the same. Because of this I have less attraction to white men. years ago that was all I dated but now I can’t stand them and their pedophile fantasies.