Your first course of action if you found out your husband was sleeping with the secretary:
- Confront him, eager to talk about what's happening to the marriage (35%, 32 Votes)
- Take the kids and leave him -- no second chances (33%, 30 Votes)
- Pretend you don't know, and/or sleep with the handsome Chinese tutor (16%, 15 Votes)
- Hire thugs to beat him up (but not kill him) (12%, 11 Votes)
- Other (I'll write it in the comments) (4%, 4 Votes)
Total Voters: 92
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Gasp! Shock! Over dinner last night, I heard the latest expat community/Shanghai international school scandal. Here’s the form of the rumor that made it to my ears (I’m being very clear that this is how I heard it, not claiming that it’s 100% true):
The Western head of this (for now unnamed) international school’s Hongqiao branch was caught cheating on his Shanghainese wife with, surprise surprise, his (also Chinese) secretary. This school head and his wife have been married for a number of years, and have young children. The wife, who is well-connected, responded to her foreign husband’s infidelity by hiring a group of thugs to put him in the hospital (a “beat him up, but don’t kill him” type of thing). So now he’s indeed in the hospital, with a swollen, unrecognizable head.
The couple I heard this from are a Western husband-Chinese wife pair themselves. His comment after relating the story: “If my wife did that to me, and darling I know you never would, I would also hire some thugs to beat her up.” His wife’s response: “Never mess with a Shanghainese Tiger lady.”
The scandal stayed with me when I got home, and the rest of the evening became a “who was wronged” debate between myself, myself, and myself:
Christine 1, on the Shanghainese wife’s side: Clearly, the jerk deserved it, right? He had to go and be such a disgusting cliche! First, to cheat on his wife; second, to cheat on his wife with the secretary; third, to cheat on his wife with another Chinese woman, his Chinese secretary — yellow fever, mister? And he has young children — was he thinking of them when his penis went astray? He hurt his family, so damn right he should be hurt in return! What’s being beaten up compared to destroying a family? Tit for tat.
Christine 2, sympathetic to the Western man: But then again, tit for tat should have been the Shanghainese wife leaving him and taking the children with her; if she wanted revenge, kicking him out and then using her connections to make sure he never saw his kids again would have been cruel enough. Resorting to such violence is just uncalled for. And if the wife is crazy enough to be capable of such things, I can understand why he needed to be with someone else.
Another question is whether she would have hired someone to beat up her husband if he were Chinese. Is it easier to hurt a foreigner, because she felt more wronged? Why didn’t she just humiliate him in public? Did it become a foreign/Chinese war? A loss of face?
Christine 3, on neither one’s side: Both of them are repulsive human beings. Him for doing that to his family, whatever reasons were behind it, and her, for being a mafia-connected lunatic that makes my Superior Chinese Girlfriend sound like a wallflower.
My ever-practical boyfriend put an end to the debate by pointing out the real wounded party in this case: the children.
“They are going to be living with the consequences of this for the rest of their lives,” he said sadly. “Imagine living with the knowledge of what both your parents did, that your father cheated on your mother (and everyone in the community knew it), but also that it didn’t stop there — your mother hired people to beat him up until he ended up in the hospital. Imagine when the kids are older, and they’re making friends, and dating — it’s going to be something shameful they feel they need to hide from the world.”
And he’s right — since there are children involved, it would have been nice if their mother had been strong enough to refrain from revenge for their sake, even as Tiger blood coursed through her veins.
Note: If you know the details of this incident, don’t post the name of the school or the names of the people involved in the comments — I don’t need Chinese thugs sent after me as well. Thanks.
Update 22/04/2011: Someone has tipped Shanghaiist in defense of the husband, saying he never cheated, and the wife is just crazy. Am curious about which rumor is true, but like Elaine Chow says, “Divorce proceedings sure get sad once the husband and wife are no longer cut-out character villains, and the break up of a family (no matter how crappy the family) never seems as funny as when it was just a sound bite to gossip about.”
Your boyfriend is very wise.
that’s what white guys in asia do…they can’t get sh** back home, so they come here, get treated like kings, f*** like princes, and their egos get inflated as a result.
They pull sh** here they could never get away with back home simply because there’s so many asian girls willing to f*** them. Seriously, if you and your bf broke up, WHO could find another interracial relationship quicker?
Western guys in asia don’t care…they know they don’t have to put up with sh** cause they can find another self-hating, white-wannabe asian girl any night of the week
Edit by Shanghai Shiok!: I’ll let this comment pass, but next time please refrain from splashing foul language here. I don’t use these words and phrases in my posts, and I hope my readers don’t respond with them either.
Update 7/4: After another snide comment by this reader, I’ve decided to block him from the blog.
I’m rather curious about the logistics of whole thing – I’m sure with some work one can find thugs to beat up your husband, but it would be hard to find a place to actually do it in Shanghai – you can’t just have a gang of thugs jump the husband in the middle of Huaihai Lu. The places expat managers hang out are usually pretty well populated, and the sight of a bunch of thugs attacking a middle aged foreigner would draw attention quite quickly.
“you can’t just have a gang of thugs jump the husband in the middle of Huaihai Lu”
You can do anything in China. You’ve never heard of white guys getting beat up for talking to the wrong Chinese girl in a club? Happens all the time, and there’s no recourse.
Not only is the assumption that white guys just go from Element Fresh to Starbucks and back ridiculous, his wife set this up. In other words, she told the gang where to get the 洋鬼子 and where his office was, what his license plate was in the parking lot etc.
Shanghai girls are very ‘practical’, which is a small part of the reason the guy banged his secretary in the first place.
The point still stands.
Yes, I have seen plenty of white guys get beat up in clubs. But you have to be in a club to begin with. A middle aged manager having an affair with his secretary is less likely to be in a club than some 20 something.
Not all foreigners operate in a narrow triangle in French Concession, but many do, and its harder to beat them up there than it would be under a freeway in Minhang. Even with plenty of intelligence and set up, there is often someone watching in the world of upper middle class people in Shanghai – company parking lots have security, there are bao-an in front of luxury buildings, etc. I am well aware of the degree to which problems are settled with violence in Dongguan and places like that, but the logistics are different. Its easy to get in a street fight in Shanghai in certain circles, but its not so easy to bring the street fight into the more controlled parts of professional people’s lives.
But this is not a blog on Advanced Thuggery 102: Shanghai Edition . . .
“there are bao-an in front of luxury buildings,”
Are you new here? Seriously? 4 chinese guys beating a white suit to a pulp you think the bao’an aren’t snickering at that? Visit China someday, it’s a wild and crazy place.
There’s no need to mock anyone. These are all valid points. I do think it’s easy to beat someone up here — but harder to simply get away with it. A foreign friend (not in the French Concession) was the victim of a random beating in an apartment compound — bao’an rushed to the rescue, and when the culprits took off, they were caught by police with help of security footage.
This is one case, and there are many other situations — like under a bridge in Minhang — where one could get away with it, I guess.
@C
You mean the security camera was actually turned on? And they caught a guy based on that footage. What was that? Blurry footage of a group of asian men… What does that prove? And why were they even going after these guys? To defend the white guy’s honor? Sounds fishy.
I had a computer stolen from my apartment (while i was still in bed!) and I begged the staff to check the security cameras.. but what’s the point, they don’t care! They don’t have anyone observing the cameras, I’d be surprised if they were even turned on. I hopped in the cab to head back to Xuhui to buy a new laptop: in China, you’re on your own.
I continue to stand by my point. Let’s look at this from the perspective of the police (I have had a decent number of social dealings with gong-an-ju at various ranks over the years) If a foreigner is beat up in broad daylight in their jurisdiction, their embassy will be involved, the special branch of the department responsible for foreigners will be involved, there will be all sorts of questions and inquiries which disrupt the other activities of a Shanghai gong-an-ju officer. This is especially true if a foreigner is somewhat prominent and respectable – a head of a school or senior corporate person, not just some english teacher. It will be an embarassing situation and something of a bureaucratic black mark which the police will desire to avoid. So if the police are alerted about a flagarant act of assault on a foreigner in a showcase district, they have plenty of reasons not to ignore it.
This bureaucratic culture also explains why foreigners can get beat up in nightclubs with fewer consequences (you are seen as accepting certain risks by hanging out in nightclubs, the foreigners are generally not important people, so you can’t blame anyone) and why Dongguan businessmen can settle their disputes with the aid of the police (they are the final local authority, and no-one will force them to reopen the matter in bureaucratic review)
China is not lawless – quite the contrary – interlocking structures of money and power sometimes support the enforcement of the law on paper and sometimes render it irrelevant.
I have no desire to turn this fine blog into a China experience pissing contest, so I’ll just say I am hardly new to the country.
Wow, I am more disturbed by the Westerner who would retaliate with violence if his wife (the wronged party in the first place) did this. I think that if the wife had some distance in her regard for her husband to respond with hired violence. I think that if that is the case, the kids may not like seeing their father assaulted have however learned a lesson about messing with the bull and getting the horns – black and white justice as a life lesson. Do I agree? I don’t care about this story because I can’t relate to these people.
ooh sorry for the word soup!
I have two questions for Jason:
1. What precisely are white guys ‘getting’ in Asia that they aren’t getting at home? Their secretaries? Hmmmm …
2. Why is that guys who leave obscenity-laced, racist comments on blog posts NEVER leave their real names and links to their actual identities?
@Jason, Men from everywhere cheat on their wives not just westerners, it doesn’t matter where a man is from and or where their wives are from. It happens and it hurts.
I guess this woman felt particularly hurt because her husband slept with another Chinese woman would she of had the same reaction if he slept with a western girl? Probably. Anyway if it was me I think I would of sent the thugs after the girl he cheated with because I am sure that woman knew he had a wife and children.
As far as the children are concerned, they are young at the moment so they will probably forget about this, and won’t be traumatised
I disagree. I can tell you from personal expereince with cheating parents that it is not really ever forgotten and it can be traumatizing…
I agree with your boy friend. The couple did what they could to vent and they will eventually move on. The kids are the ones that suffer the most in such cases. Past is what governs the future, they have to carry on this unnecessary baggage which will affect their future relationships. These kids will always have trust issues.
if i am 100% sure he is cheating on me, i might do something like this
http://gizmocrunch.com/web/5114-google-images-seo
Don’t piss off a chinese nerdy girl =p
I normally don’t comment on people’s private matters, but apparently it is no longer private. He was NOT cheating on his Shanghainese wife. He never had an affair with his secretary. The wife is erratic, angry and abusive. The husband, who feared for his children and himself was seeking a divorce. The wife is doing scary and manipulative things with their children. The father in law owns the apartment they were living in and the “tiger lady” has barred him access. When the husband tried to take his children to safety, the Shanghainese wife and her father beat him up. He is not in the hospital, currently the only observable wounds are cuts on his hands (obviously from trying to defend himself). He is fully recognizable.
The school’s website mentions his Shanghainese wife, but only one son.
Someone connected to that circle had only two words to say bout it: TOTALLY TRUE.
Didnt talk much about it, so not sure whether she meant that just the beating up part is true, or the cheating and everything. A friend raised in international school settings just rolled her eyes saying the drama that goes on in these places is unbelievable.
Sounds like the husband has lived in China long enough, he went native! If he had a xiaosan, then he’s halfway to becoming a real Chinese guy! Good for him. When in Rome!
First of all, I know the people involved in this blog, even though I am quite removed from them geographically. I know the man in question to be a person of integrity and kindness and all of these accusations are far-fetched and completely fabricated. I felt compelled to speak up because this is so slanderous and damaging to him…. and also I happen to know that he was indeed repeatedly attacked by the wife and inlaw described in this blog.
If this was you, wouldn’t you want someone to fight your corner??? When your character and your professional life are attacked not only blogwise but being constantly harassed in person goes beyond belief and acceptance.
This is just a malicious act of jealousy and vindictiveness and I hope you will alll think about contributing to it!
Get a life and stop trying to ruin someone else’s.
Kate and friends
Dear Kate and friends,
I’m not sure whether this is a spam comment. I make no mention of any in-law in this post, so am not sure who you are referring to. I stand by my post, which indeed must be so “slanderous and damaging” to this friend of yours since it mentions no names.
Well, it has been many months since you published this blog. I am the guy you wrote about and I didn’t respond months ago because it would have been too risky for me to do so at that time. Now however I want to set the record straight for anyone who still cares. I do so because the fact is my wife (we are still separated and both seeking divorce through Shanghai Court) has, since March, systematically prevented me from seeing our two beautiful young son. In addition, my wife’s father has, I believe, attempted to influence the court to deny me my legal rights in this case. The fact is, there was never any affair on my part, my wife never hired anyone to beat me up, but she and her family did attack me, both physically and professionally. But – I’m still here. I have quietly and carefully kept a low profile and have wherever possible take the high road with the hope that some day soon I can see my boys again.
Why am I writing now? Well, the court does not seem to want to decide this case. Things are endlessly delayed and the court does not wish to deal with the fact that my wife denies me access to see my boys. My wife, if resident in many countries, would be in violation of the Hague Convention. Yes, but this is China, I know. My boys, however are Canadian citizens, so my wife, her family, and others in positions of responsibility are denying the basic legal rights of three Canadian citizens (my two boys and me) . I have had enough. Maybe you should write a blogpost based on fact, instead of rumor?
Sadly, delays and obstructions happen in Canadaian courts as well. There are a number of websites devoted to educating and encouraging North American dads about their rights (Fathers battling Injustice, being one example, Ex-Fathers another). The problem is, that just as children were recognized as “property” of the father in previous centuries, they are now effectively recognized, in the North American legal systems at least, as the property of mothers. Perhaps one day equity and fairness will rule, but sadly, not today. I do not want you to be disheartened, but be realistic about your situation. To ultimately be successful, be patient and be persistent. Perhaps the courts where you are will be more fair.
As an additional observation only, your wife must have had (even if only in her own mind) some idea, reason or basis for her attack on you. Were you unable to dissuade her or was she just crazy? I ask because I am in love with a mainland-born Chinese woman here in Canada but some of her ideas, beliefs and concerns are a bit wacky to me. The love keeps me with her but honestly sometimes I wonder if I should run the other way. I don’t have any comparators (don’t have any mainland-born Chinese friends) so I can’t assess if I’m only seeing things from my perspective, if she’s wacky in her personal outlook, or if there is some cultural dimension I just don’t see or understand. Perhaps fodder for another post?