Shanghai’s so-called “leftover women” — the sheng nu (剩女) — are constantly on my mind, now that I have one in my life. She’s my Teacher Wang, and I’ve previously blogged about her lessons on love, dating and being a sheng nu. This harsh term refers to the growing battalion of Chinese women in their late 20s and 30s who are well-educated, well-paid, career-minded, and — gasp! — still single, unlikely to get hitched anytime soon. It’s a hot topic, recently discussed in CNNGo’s ‘The stigma of being single in Shanghai’ and NPR’s ‘In China, Looking For Mr. Right (Enough).’ But no article is as informative or amusing as a first person perspective from a genuine sheng nu, an incredibly charismatic one who has her class scratching their heads, both bewildered and indignant that our beloved teacher can’t find the love of her life.
In our last class, Teacher Wang drew a Venn/set diagram in a lighthearted attempt to explain why she is still single. She kept it simple so we could understand her Mandarin. Below is her diagram, followed by my English translation:
“This diagram represents the men with desirable traits in Shanghai,” she said. “The handsome, the rich, and those who are talented. Those who are good-looking and have some money are sweet-talkers, probably with women on the side. Those who are handsome and talented are usually poor. Men who have cultivated their talent enough to make money from it are old by the time they do. As for the men who are all three, represented by this” — she pointed to the shaded area in the center — “well, they are all gay.”
We burst into laughter. “How about women in Shanghai,” we ask.
Teacher Wang paused, then started drawing. “I guess this also explains sheng nu,” she said, and we stared at her latest work of art:
“Men marry women who are beautiful, or rich, or talented. They avoid the overlaps, and these are the sheng nu. Beautiful and rich women are untrustworthy; talented and rich women are too old to bear children; as for women who are both beautiful and talented — well, the combination of looks and brains can be a bit too intimidating, and also, these women are poor. At least, I am!”
And women who are all three?
“Unattainable.”
HMMM she’s a lovely smart lady and unfortunately right overall, however she largely operates with stereotypes which really doesn’t help in the end because individuals are more complex than her charts
Sheng nu. That’s my new word for the day
Love it! Thanks for sharing. Venn diagrams are always a revelation.
I am British and have my own factory in China. I really feel for these girls. Mostly Chinese girls are really sweet and the Chinese men generally don’t deserve them. Most Sheng Nv would make great wives for foreign guys. Chinese ladies love ‘Gentlemen’. So come on all you single western Gentlemen, get yourselves to Shanghai and find yourself one of these gorgeous ladies!!! And they are 100% Ladies!!
ai zhong guo, sheng nv jia you – let’s open the doors for those well deserving single ladies.
G
My Chinese teacher explained the same problem not more than 2 weeks ago as well! Is it a problem in Shanghai, or something that is the product of a more broad social trend, ie, that Chinese women are now more empowered and no longer need to fit into the more Confucian mould of the subservient wife/mother etc.
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Very interesting! Thanks for posting this – I re-posted it on my personal blog at justcharlie.com
Actually,A problem that the high price of house!
For the sake of gender equality, in the women- venn diagram should we change “unattainable” by “lesbians” haha?
Anyway, if you are handsome and rich, would an extra talent component not move you to a “superliar” zone? Haha, there is no hope for humanity it seems from these sketches, maybe that is so because they are drawn by those late night philosophers being impacted the most. Or maybe something needs to change in social interaction patterns in Shanghai/China?
Interesting stuff though – cheers
I don’t understand why the girls feel like they need a guy who is rich or even handsome. surely pure love is enough? no sympathy for those girls trying to get a rich husband or one with good looks – pure superficial.
@Yolander,
Handsome = healthier, better quality genes, greater chance of successful children
Wealthy = intelligent and able to provide a secure environment, again a greater chance of successful children
The attraction of females toward males with material resources and strong genes is something you see throughout the animal kingdom, not just in humans. So from an evolutionary perspective (creating the best conditions for your children), marrying for these qualities makes a lot of sense.
There are plenty of girls that have a shopping list. That is extreme and frankly a little obnoxious. For sure most girls have in the back of their mind that they should find a guy that has potential. I hope my daughters think that way a little. At the end of the day, you can’t buy food with love – well, not legally anyway!
One time after asking a Chinese girl out, she told me to my face that didn’t have enough money. I had always told guys at that club that I was skint.
The middle, shaded section should equal ‘taken’
Dear Christine Tan,
This is Fred from Shanghai, I read your passage about on your blog about the “sheng nv ” and it is really interesting !
Moreover, I could find that your Chinese teacher is really a smart and dedicated teacher. I myself is a Chinese language teacher too. I graduated from BLCU and currently working in Shanghai. I wanna have a chance to get to konw your teacher. Do you mind give me her Email address with her permission? Thanks so much.
Fred
Chinese program director
Shanghai Neworiental school
Venn Diagrams FTW. . .
When I read these sort of articles I feel quite sad and frustrated. There appears to be a lot of objectification which I have seen tends to create a self fulfilling prophesy.
Not ALL rich men are bad, not ALL handsome men are philanders. When we sterotype others and objectify them we force them into moulds that they may not wish/desire to be in. Not all beautiful talented women are old. Not ALL rich and beautiful women are liars.
Sadly, I have seen this type of thinking make people extremely sick emotionally. Then what happens is that they end up only seeing those who fit this mould – hence the self fulfilling prophecy.
There are good and bad everywhere – here in China and overseas. People are people!
Just a point of caution though, I have seen many Westerners marry Chinese and then find that after years of marriage that there is little in common except finances and children. Currently divorce rates with Expat/Chinese are way up there! Around 80% last time I looked. Not a good sign!
Also I have to ask. If a man can’t find a good woman where he is from why does he have to travel half the world to get one? The same goes for a woman. Shouldn’t we always start with self examination and trust that as we change and improve ourselves we will attract someone or be attracted to someone suitable?
I have found many Chinese women, like some Western women have unrealistic expectations of love and marriage. The basis of a solid marriage appears to be friendship. This naturally takes time to grow!
Finally, the Chinese press seems to be really down on the expats at the moment. It used to be trendy to marry a foreigner now it is seen as highly risky. Most Chinese who are happy meet someone they love from their highschool years.
I have two daughters, I certainly wouldn’t trust them marrying a guy that they have known for such a short time and someone who we have no background information on. Seeing a man in his home environment gives you are very good idea of what he is like and whether he is respected.
If someone turned up here wanting to marry my daughters I really have only HIS word for it that he is a decent chap! Looking at his family of origin lets you know what sort of family he is likely to have of his own cos most people copy what they come from. I think many Chinese families, if they are sensible, would feel the same way too.
This sort of article pops up every now and again to present the same information. People find it hard to find someone to form a bond with that they like and respect.
I have no real solution, only more questions of my own. Hope they also find a solution.
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Your teacher’s female diagram is incorrect. The categories should be ‘beautiful’, ‘young enough’, and ‘kind’. Men and women have different criteria for a mate. Men really don’t care about rich or talented. Women are attracted to success/riches/social dominance. Those categories are meaningless to men. We want a pretty, kind wife who treats us well.
I speak as an American with a pretty Shanghainese wife. Women are best advised to find a mate while their youth and beauty (closely related) are peaking. If you are good looking with a b*tchy personality, you’d better find a mate while your beauty can compensate.
Ah yes, I have seen this diagram before, exactly the same except the middle part was labeled “GAY”… I thought about it… and it seemed true!
Caricatural and stupid. This is not love, just ego and interest. Still single because she’s not abble to meet men’s heart, she’s just looking for a good bank account…
Interesting and funny story that has a lot of truth that can be applied to Asian women in the United States.
Marriage = death for men. Why aren’t these women doing the feminist thing and going after poorer men who can stay home and take care of the kids?
I don’t understand why the girls feel like they need a guy who is rich or even handsome???
i agree with bastrop men aren’t that interested in talented women. Intelligent women seem to be left out everywhere whereas intelligent men find enough groupies.
One additional thing that has played to my advantage was that Chinese seem to regard divorced women as tainted but apparently not the male. it suits me as i married a divorced woman. She had been ignored for 12 years till she turned seek a foreigner for happiness. We have our problems but i hope she is happy with me although she will be happier when we return to China to live
Chinese men do not like to marry a woman who is who is his professional superior, which leaves top Chinese women without a partner.
Validation: The higher a woman’s IQ, the less likely she is to marry:
“Do Men Want Dumber Women As Mates Or Are Smart Women Too Choosy?
Social scientists at the universities of Aberdeen, Bristol, Edinburgh and Glasgow in Britain tested the IQs of 900 boys and girls at the age of 11 and then checked on their rates of marriage 40 years later. They found that higher IQ increases the chances a man will marry but high IQ causes an even greater decrease in the chances that a woman will marry. (same article here)
“The finding that IQ in early life appears to be associated with the likelihood to marry is important because factors in childhood may determine a person’s marital status in adulthood, which may in turn influence future health and mortality,” says the study, to appear in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences.
For boys, there is a 35% increase in the likelihood of marriage for each 16-point rise in IQ. For girls, there is a 40% drop for each 16-point increase.
One possible cause of this result is that many smarter women find it beneath them to be wives. Or perhaps they are too choosy in wanting higher status men whereas the men are not as choosy about status of females and hence can find a suitable mate from a much larger pool of women. Men are more driven to seek physical beauty and youth as a result of selective pressures to seek fertile mates. Whereas natural selection favored a female preference for higher status men as better providers.
For the lower status and less intelligent women the smart successful men (and smart men are more successful on average) look like great catches that allow the women to move up in status and in creature comforts. They might also see smarter men as likely to treat them more thoughtfully (at least on average – though there are smart and callous men of course).
Another possible cause in the reduction in marriage rates for higher IQ women is that they spend more time in school than lower IQ women and therefore delay marriage past the point of their maximum attractiveness and maximum fertility. This is certainly consistent with a study on the Australian Twins Registry found that higher education reduces reproductive fitness of women. It would be interesting to look at the women in the most recent study to see if higher IQ still lowered marriage rates once educational attainment was adjusted for.
Go back and read the comments of my previous post Men Prefer Subordinate Women For Long Term Relationships. Note that some people really took issue when I advanced the argument that smarter women are at a disadvantage in finding a mate. Here is social science data that really proves the common intuition. Anyone still want to dispute this argument?
Here is what I want to know: Are genes for higher IQ being selected against? If smarter men are marrying more are they having more kids to compensate for the fact that smarter women are having fewer kids? My guess is that there is a net dysgenic effect. However, in America there is one higher IQ group that has a higher fertility rate: Higher income Republicans have more children than lower income Republicans and various groups of Democrats. So the selective pressures on genes for IQ are hard to tease out. We need cheap DNA sequencing which will probably come along in 5 to 10 years and settle this question.”